chekasan
CHEKASAN
Vunjika mbavu!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Mlevi
Mlevi mmoja baada ya kuyatwika matindi kwa sana akaingia choo cha kike badala ya cha kiume, chooni humo akamkuta mwanamke mmoja kamwambia "This toilet is for the ladies" Yule mlevi akatoa uume wake na kusema " And this is for the ladies too"
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Mbwa baada ya kujamiiana!
Mbwa hawa wameshindwa kuachana baada ya kumaliza tendo la kiutu uzima, walibaki hivyo kwa dakika zisizopungua 50 ndipo wakaachiana! Loh starehe au mateso?
Kiswahili cha Mkurya!
Ndugu sangu tumekucha hapa maarum kwa chambo moja tu. Mama Chacha kafirwa na kaka yake usiku wa kuamkia reo. Chambo ra kufirwa si chambo ra mcheso, ukifirwa unaumia sana na chambo hiri sio ra mtu mmocha tu, reo kafirwa Mama Chacha, kesho nitafirwa mimi, keshokutwa utafirwa wewe. Yaani kira mtu razima afirwe tu!
Toothpick!
Sio wote unaowaona wana vijiti mdomoni wametoka kula nyama.
Baada ya kunyonya mboo bbinti mmoja akawa anjichokonoa meno na kijiti, jirani yake akamuuliza hee jirani nyama unakula peke yako? Binti akajibu "Aaah nyama wapi shosti wangu? amni mavuzi yameninasa kwenye meno.
Sharobaro Kanisani!
Baada ya kupokea divai akamwambia mchungaji " Naomba tishu men" Mchungaji akamjibu kwa upole kwa sauti ya upole " Acha ushoga kumamako unafirwa nini? Tupo kanisani hapa!
Advantages of education and dis advantages
Most 'First Class' students get technical seats, some become Doctors and some Engineers. * The 'Second Class' pass, and then pass MBA, become Administrators and control the 'First Class'. * The 'Third Class' pass, enter politics and become Ministers and control both. * Last, but not the least, The 'Failures' join business and control all the above. Howz' that? |
Friday, March 11, 2011
Kasuku mwenye matusi
Mfuga kasuku alimrudisha kasuku kwa muuzaji ili ambadilishie kwa kuwa huyo anayemrudisha ana matusi sana, muuzaji akampa mwingine akamwambia huyu mstaarabu sana akiinua mguu wa kulia juu anaongea kingereza akiinua wa kushoto anaongea kihindi. Mfugaji akamuuliza muuzaji Je akiinua yote miwili? Kasuku akadakia " Kuma la mama yako, si nitaanguka fala nini wewe?
Sharobaro
Sharobaro alienda Loliondo kwa babu kutibiwa, akapewa dawa kwenye kikombe, akasogea chini ya mti akasimama kwa muda mrefu kabla hajainywa huku mkono mmoja kashikilia surali isianguke, Babu akamuuliza mbona hunywi dawa? akajibu NASUBIRI MRIJA MEN!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Mjomba Anyenje!
Mmakonde mmoja aligongwa na nyoka kichwani, sasa jamaa zake wakaamua wamfunge kamba shingoni kwa kuzuia sumu isisambae mwilini, kabla hawajamfikisha hospitali akafa, wakarudi nyumbani wakamzika. Baada ya mazishi watu wakawa wanauliza kwani Anyenje nini kimememuua? mmoja wao akasema "Kilichomuua njomba Anyenje siyo yule nyoka alikangonga kichwani bali ile kamba tulikamfunga nayo shingoni!
Kisa cha Masai na Makonde!
Mmasai na Mmakonde walikuwa wamepanda basi moja wakielekea Morogoro Mmasai akawa anamtazama sana Mmakonde kisha anamnong'oneza mwenzie halafu wanacheka. Mmakonde akawa ashajua wanamcheka yeye lakini hakujua nini anawachekesha ndipo akaamua kuwauliza
Sasa nnacheka cheka nini? Mmasai alajibu
Hapana Mzee ni tunaulisana kama ile simba nakurarua usoni uliiua? Mmakonde akaijibu na nyie chimba alikuwachania machuka yenu mulimuua?
Samahani
Samahani naomba msaada wako, najua wewe una uzoefu kidogo na ulisomea kilimo na ufugaji Eti kuku anatombwa au anafirwa? Jibu haraka nipo katika semina.
Masai
Mmasai alimuona jamaa anaenda chooni na kopo lenye maji akamuuliza
Rafiki leo mukundu yako nasikia kiu? Jamaa akamjibu
Aaah acha usenge kuma la mamako, kafirane na simba porini huko!
Rafiki leo mukundu yako nasikia kiu? Jamaa akamjibu
Aaah acha usenge kuma la mamako, kafirane na simba porini huko!
Ndoa
Jamaa mmoja alioa, katika siku yake ya kwanza ya ndoa alimuuliza mkewe
"Una hakika mimi ndio mwanaume wa kwanza unalala nae?
Mke akajibu
"Haswa laaziz, wengine wote tulikuwa hatulali tunapigana pumbu tu short time tu!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Kisukari
Hakimu anamuuliza mshtakiwa, kwa nini ulimfanya mkeo nyuma? Mshtakiwa akajibu
Mheshimiwa hakimu kama ujuavyo kuma ni tamu sana, na mimi nina kisukari daktari kanikataza kula vitu vitamuvitamu ndio maana nikamfanya nyuma. CASE DISMISED!
Mheshimiwa hakimu kama ujuavyo kuma ni tamu sana, na mimi nina kisukari daktari kanikataza kula vitu vitamuvitamu ndio maana nikamfanya nyuma. CASE DISMISED!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wazinzi wabadilishane chupi?
Ikiwa wacheza mpira hubadilishana jezi mwisho wa mechi ikiwa ni ishara ya FAIR PLAY Je? kuna ulazima wazinzi nao wabadilishane chupi kila wamalizapo kufanya ngono? Na ingekuwa hivyo wewe ungekuwa na chupi ngapi za ile jinsia nyingine?
Mwalimu
Siku moja mwalimu alikuwa anafundisha kwa bahati mbaya akajamba wanafunzi wakamcheka sana mwalimu akaona aibu mno akaomba likizo, likizo ilipoisha akaingia darasani kabla hajaanza kufundisha akauliza enhe tuliishia wapi? wanafunzi wakajibu pale ulipojamba mwalimu. Ungekuwa wewe ungefanya nini?
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Ajali
Kwa mfano umepata ajali sura yako imeharibika sana na stoo zimebaki sura tano tu
1.Mizengo Pinda
2.Mugabe
3.Remi Ongala(RIP)
4.Steven Wassira
5.Bi Kidude
Utachagua ipi?
1.Mizengo Pinda
2.Mugabe
3.Remi Ongala(RIP)
4.Steven Wassira
5.Bi Kidude
Utachagua ipi?
Nyuki
Jamaa alikuwa anakojoa kichakani bahati mbaya nyuki akamuuma kwenye mboo . Mboo ikavimba kweli. Alipofika kwa mkewe akawa anamtoa mwiba mumewe huku akisali eeh Mungu naomba muondolee maumivu mume wangu, ila nakuomba sana mboo ibaki saizi hiihii, AMEN!
FOOL
Five friends lived in a room and their names were MAD,BRAIN,FOOL,SOMEBODY AND NO BODY One day Somebody killed Nobody .At that time Brain wa in the bathroom, Mad called police station to report the incident
Mad: Is this police station?
Police: Yes
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody
Police: What? are you mad?
MAD; Yes i m Mad.
Police: Do you have Brain at all?
Mad: Brain is in the bathroom
Police: You Fool (Kwa hasira)
No fool is busy reading this SMS!
Mad: Is this police station?
Police: Yes
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody
Police: What? are you mad?
MAD; Yes i m Mad.
Police: Do you have Brain at all?
Mad: Brain is in the bathroom
Police: You Fool (Kwa hasira)
No fool is busy reading this SMS!
Kujamiiana
Mchezo wa kutombana hufanyika kwa kificho ingawa ndio mchezo wenye mashabiki wengi duniani kuliko michezo yote je? Serikali haioni umuhimu wa kujenga viwanja vikubwa na vya kisasa na kuweka viingilio vikubwa ili wtu wajamiiane humo ili kuongeza pato la taifa kutokana na kuanguka kwa uchumi wa dunia. Wakumbushe wachezaji wenzio unaocheza nao mchezo huo ili mpeleke hoja yenu sehemu husika.
Nyuma raha
Nyuma raha ukatae ukubali nyuma raha, utaniona sina akili lakini nyuma raha sana yaani tukianza tu mimi huwa nakimbilia nyuma maana mbele kila mara utafuta tu ubao!
Shirika la kazi duniani ILO
Kwa mijibu wa takwimu zilizotolewa na shirika la kazi duniani ILO mfanyakazi bora ni mboo kutokana na vigezo vifutavyo
1.Anasimama bila miguu
2.Anafanya kazi ngumu ya kuchimba madini
3.Anapenda shift za usiku
4.Anaingia mgodini bila taa haogopi nyoka wala nge
5.Hutanguliza kichwa anapoingia mgodini
6.Mdogo akiwa nje,ila huvimba mara saba akiwa mgodini
7.Akianza kazi hachoki mpaka atapike.
8.Yupo katika saizi mbalimbali na anapendwa na wanawake wote duniani!
1.Anasimama bila miguu
2.Anafanya kazi ngumu ya kuchimba madini
3.Anapenda shift za usiku
4.Anaingia mgodini bila taa haogopi nyoka wala nge
5.Hutanguliza kichwa anapoingia mgodini
6.Mdogo akiwa nje,ila huvimba mara saba akiwa mgodini
7.Akianza kazi hachoki mpaka atapike.
8.Yupo katika saizi mbalimbali na anapendwa na wanawake wote duniani!
Dhambi
Dhambi si ufisadi pekee,hata kumiliki wapenzi wengi wakakuna wenzio hawana hata mmoja sio vizuri hebu waonee huruma na wenzio wapate japo huyo mmoja hata kama ni UESD atam Flash! Hasa ktk kipindi hiki cha Valentine! Tuma msg hii kwa kila unayemdhania kuwa na wapenzi wengi kama nilivofanya kwako.
Mpenzi
Jibu moja tu ndio sahihi
Mpenzi wako hukupa mapenzi
(a)Kwa sababu anakupenda?
(b)Kwa sababu amekuzoea?
(c) Kwa sababu hana wa kumpa atfanyaje?
(d)Au nanakuuzia bila wewe kujua?
Saidaneni kujibu wewe na mpenzi wako.
Mpenzi wako hukupa mapenzi
(a)Kwa sababu anakupenda?
(b)Kwa sababu amekuzoea?
(c) Kwa sababu hana wa kumpa atfanyaje?
(d)Au nanakuuzia bila wewe kujua?
Saidaneni kujibu wewe na mpenzi wako.
Pumbu
Kutokana na pumbu kuwa katika mfano wa bomu jamaa mmoja kanusurika kukatwa pumbu baada ya kukutwa kainamaGongo la Mboto hukun pumbu zikining'ninia ndipo askari mtegua mabomu akamwambia Tulia usitingishike una bomu mwilini askari kugusa pumbu jamaa akapiga kelele" hILO SIO BOMU AFANDE HATA WEWE UNALO!
Baba na mwana
Mtoto: Baba leo nimefanya mapenzi kwa mara ya kwanza
Baba:Ah kweli mwanangu umekuwa! safi sana
Baba:Ah kweli mwanangu umekuwa! safi sana
Mtoto:Ilikuwa tamu sana, ila baba mimi nina swali
Baba: Uliza tu kidume changu
Mtoto:Inachukua muda gani mkudu kuacha kuuma?
Baba: Aah Msenge we ushafirwa wewe!!
Mchunga ng'ombe
Mchuga ng'ombe kapiga nyeto akapiga bala kwanza, la pili likawa gumu kupatikana akachukua mashine ya umeme ya kukamulia chuchu za ng'ombe akavisha katika mboo yake akapata bao la pili akawa ametosheka anataka kuichomoa haichomoki akasoma user guide inasema haichomoki mpaka zifike lita tano. Jamaa amezimia mpaka leo.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Mama mkwe!
Inakuwaje Mama mkwe anapomueleza mkwewe kuwa ana wasi wasi kuwa mtoto aliyezaa si wa mwanae?
Mama-Binti samahani lakini, kusema ukweli mtoto hafanani na kijana wangu kabisa"
Binti- Mama bila samahani, huku chini nina anjia ya uzazi na sio fotokopi mashine!
Mama-Binti samahani lakini, kusema ukweli mtoto hafanani na kijana wangu kabisa"
Binti- Mama bila samahani, huku chini nina anjia ya uzazi na sio fotokopi mashine!
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